The first time I ever saw you I hated you; three years older than me; teen with pale grey eyes, like smoke in bars, rough, black hair like stray dog's furr. Thin and messy street boy the mother had picked up to take care of little errands.
Those old, stuttering people who know about these things (or at least pretend to) and like to pick other people's mind would probably say that I was jealouse of the attention mom gave to you.
I don't know about those kind of things, nor I like to think that I'd have used to care about that old hag, so I just say I hated you.
When I hate someone, I insult them.
And so I started to bark my mind for you, telling what exactly I thought there was wrong with you and calling you by names.
Childish of course, but really, I was nothing else than a child myself.
It was then that I learnt that you have no tolerance with loudmouths, nor did you care I was younger than you.
You put me down without mercy, using your superior height and weight without remorse.
I rather think I've never have a beat up like that.
The ease with what you won made me dislike you even more, and so I took it as my new habit to insult you when ever given the chance. It usually resulted in scuffle very soon and even more often in me getting beaten up.
I think it was during one of those times when you sat in my back, year or two later, keeping me down with only your body-weight that I realized I wanted to be like you.
I didn't want to be just a brat to you, but someone who you listened, maybe even respected as an equal.
I one word; I wanted to impress you.
It was of course a secret; one so well kept that even I myself didn't realize it but a years later when I was wasted and getting nostalgic.
What a funny world.
As I never really matched you in height or weight (curse that old hag for giving me her short genes), I started to train in other respect, and slowly our brawls came less one-sided as I started to gain more skills in fighting. Back then I didn't realize it (or if I did, I shut it in the deepest part of my subconsciousness), but my insults became just a way to get you angry and to fight with me.
I still held up the mask of disliking you.
As I turned sixteen the Mother assigned us -us of the all people- to be partners in business and in the streets. An idea that rouse many questions and few of objections, not least from us ourselves, but was carried through as all Mothers decicions none the less.
We almost got ourselves killed on the first mission.
And on the one after that.
And after that.
The people we were pointed to work with turned out to be snitches for the patrol, or othervice traitors for their own good, or having an rancor against the Mother.
Suddenly we had no-one to trust to.
Someone who's titled as clever has once said (or so I have heard), that people who can't trust anyone have three opinions; one: became grazy, two: kill themselves or three: learn to trust someone.
We started to trust eachother.
It took me some time to figure it out, but I realized later that that was what the Mother had aimed at the whole time. We had been set up with known traitors and other threats to be brainwashed to trust eachother. You realized it too, as you weren't stupid, regardless what I have said for years.
Of course, realizing it doesn't make it go away.
So we continued to trust eachother and just add Mother to the list of people to be paranoid about.
That list seems to be too long these days.
We still tease and insult eachother, the fistfight is just the result more less these days; you take your anger out on other people now as you "need me alive" you say.
We still hurt eachother.
Maybe it's deep-rooted habit we'll never fully escape.
You're my damned best fucking friend.
I don't want to love you...
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